Letter To Alpine High School
Dear Alpine High School Football Team,
We at the Native American Civil Rights Foundation are writing to request you change your name and stop calling your team the “Redskins.” We find the name “Redskins” incredibly offensive. Not only because it denigrates our people and way of life, but because your team sucks.
Though we found it incredibly derogatory, we could tolerate the name “Redskins.” We could tolerate your mascot the “Red-Dicked Savage.” We could even tolerate the old Cherokee Woman you keep in your locker room and make each player slap before the game for good luck.
What we can’t tolerate however is a team supposedly representing our culture being terrible at football. You have not won a game for thirty years, yet you yell our traditional war-chants during huddles when you should instead be making plays. Your linemen wear headdresses instead of helmets, risking their own safety to insult our culture. Apache by the Sugarhill Gang is your team’s anthem—a song whose lyrics should be offensive to the Native American people, but whose catchy melody and danceable beat make it forgivable. By playing this great song then losing you are not only offending our people, but the members of the Sugarhill Gang as well.
Us Native Americans are a proud people. So if you want to shit on our culture by naming your team a hateful slur, at least win some fucking games. The Alpine High School Redskins have been losing for decades now, so maybe it is best to retire your name and leave your shameful past behind. Why would you want to uphold the tradition of being complete losers?
The Native American Civil Rights Foundation