Botched Bar Mitzvah Dooms Boy To Eternal Childhood
AMESBURY, MA—Local boy Joshua Greenwald has been condemned to an eternal childhood after ruining his bar mitzvah speech and completely humiliating himself. Greenwald, once a normal, growing child, reportedly choked during the traditional Torah reading, resulting in his complete incoherence to most of the congregation of the Kehilat Shalom Synagogue. The point of the speech he had written was also subject to confusion. “He just went on and on,” reported his uncle, Michael Greenwald. “It made everyone very uncomfortable.” Rabbi Mark Raphael announced at the most recent Saturday service that Greenwald is to be henceforth regarded as a small child for the rest of eternity. “Having seen such humiliation in the face of our congregation and our God,” he said, “we have made the decision that young Joshua be fated to endure eternal boyhood.” Justin Singleton, a friend of Joshua’s, also expressed his disappointment: “It sucks that Josh won’t be able to grow up with us, but I guess that’s what he gets for acting like a retard in front of everyone.” Greenwald’s parents were unavailable for comment, but sources confirm that they’ve re-enrolled Joshua in the same religious education class he took last year.