Car Salesman

Fall '16

As a small boy, Snode Leffson sat in the small family car. His father looked at Snode’s tiny frame in shotgun and said, “Boy, you make this thing look huge!” Wowzer, thought Snode, if I can make this car look big, I could sell it for a big profit! And thus began the tale of Snode Leffson, World’s Greatest Car Salesman.

Snode’s key to success was his size. If he wanted to make the cars look big, he had to be small by comparison. So he tried his hardest to be small. First was width. He would tie a belt around his waist really tight, and have two NFL linebackers bash him from both sides. He began a diet of only thin foods. Carrots, celery, spaghetti, Wheat Thins. If it’s thin, it’s a win. He even had a doctor realign his organs front-to-back instead of side-to-side. Snode became so thin he looked like a vertical black line when people looked at him straight-on.

Like any youth, Snode’s height was also an issue. He always wore a hat to cover the fifty pound weight he balanced on his head. During recess, he would stand in a pit and his classmates would shovel dirt on his upright body, until the school genius came up with the idea to cut out the middleman and repeatedly hit Snode in the head with the shovel. Even though his teachers confiscated weapons he was using to saw his own legs off, by the end of high school Snode only had thighs, no shins. His torso was only a couple of inches long, and his head sat directly on his shoulders. He was so small, people had to squint to see him.

Snode Leffson grew up to make 400 billion dollars selling used cars in Salt Lake City.