Old Love Letters Found In Attic Reveal Grandpa A Creep

Fall '12

 

PROVIDENCE, RI—While cleaning their attic Thursday night, the children of the Callaghan family stumbled upon their grandparents’ love letters and were shocked to discover that their deceased grandfather, Max Callaghan, was a real creep.  An in-depth analysis revealed that the letters, which were sent by Callaghan from a military base during World War II, were rife with graphic sexual remarks as well as thinly veiled threats of physical violence if his advances were to be rebuffed. “Grandpa kept repeating how he was going to ‘ravish [grandma] whether she liked it or not’ and that she ‘better not tell nobody,’” said a visibly shaken Jessica Callaghan, 13, adding that her grandfather frequently referred to her grandmother’s body as “his prize.”  “I can’t believe this is the same man who took me fishing,” said Robby Callaghan, 16, as he comforted his younger siblings.  “I still love him I guess, but, Jesus, what the hell, man?”  At press time, the children decided they were going to behave extra good during their grandma’s funeral tomorrow.