President

Fall '16

The President of The United States came to our school once to give a lecture. He was apparently doing a tour to tell everyone about some big plan he had. After we all assembled into the auditorium and he got on stage, he slowly revealed to us that he was working on putting the Earth’s water supply in a big bucket and pouring it over the sun to shut it off.

The crowd erupted in applause. Right after he said shut off the sun, a couple people in the back started setting off fireworks to the tune of “God Bless America.” Everyone in the audience was punched in the face. One guy even screamed so loud he made another person who lived across the world go completely deaf.

I’m not going to lie, after I heard that, I was also pretty happy. I mean, shutting off the sun? Boy, that’s cool! And with a big bucket of water? Even cooler! But then, in the middle of all the excitement, I stopped and thought to myself: wait a minute, I sort of like the sun. It lights things up and stuff. I didn’t really get why everyone was so ready to embrace this. So I fought through all the commotion, made my way onto the stage, and spoke directly to The President of The United States.

“Hey Mister, why do you want to shut off the sun? I just don’t get it, I guess.”

Everyone stopped. It seemed like time stood still after I said that. My principal’s mouth was hanging wide open. The school bully who was peeing on another kid stopped mid-piss. One of my teachers who was getting thrown off the balcony stayed suspended in mid-air because he was so stunned by what I just said. I turned my attention back to The President.

“I mean, I don’t know? I just don’t get it! I guess I think the sun’s sort of cool.”

The President clearly couldn’t believe what he was hearing. No one had ever questioned his plans before. For a moment, we locked eyes and I saw his left eyelid twitch a little bit. Then he sprung out of his stance and pinned me to the ground. I watched as he took out a roll of masking tape and taped my whole body from head to toe. It was extra strong tape too—the presidential kind. After I was all taped up, The President picked me up by my legs, whirled me around, and hurled me off the stage like a shot put champion.

The crowd cheered and chaos ensued. The school bully continued to pee on that kid, and my teacher completed his fall off the balcony. The President had so much fun throwing me off the stage once, he made his Secret Service agents bring me back on stage so he could throw me again. He did this a couple times until finally, The President threw me right into a cement pillar causing me to lose consciousness completely.

I woke up the next day in my own bed. The whole thing felt like a dream to me. I read in the newspaper that The President ended up finishing his project. But instead of shutting off the sun, it just killed a bunch of dolphins. I was pretty okay with that.