Put Me In The Game

Spring '13


Coach! Time's running out. You gotta put me in the game, coach. I'm not exactly sure what sport we're playing here, but coach, please, put me in the game.

Are we playing basketball? I think this is basketball. My basketball sense is tingling! 

But basketball, right? Listen coach, let me play in this "b-ball" competition. Trust me, I won't let you down. If we're on defense, I'll block the shot or punt the ball or whatever. That is, if we are on defense. I'm not entirely clear on that. If we happen to be on offense, I can certainly be offensive. Coach, I can do it. Once, I saw this video where two teams were playing what I think was basketball. One team had a player with cerebral palsy. He was their equipment manager or something, but I guess they let him play. But this kid went into the game and made like ten straight three-pointers. Coach, I don't even have cerebral palsy. Think how good I'd be! Of course, this is contingent on the fact that we are indeed playing basketball.

Look, I'm going to level with you. I have no idea what sport we're playing. The stuff I said earlier about my basketball sense was a joke. But full disclosure I don't know what we are playing here. For al I know this may not be a ball-related sport. It's definitely possible that this is skeet shooting or something. Literally anything. Is this boxing? Is this horse racing? Oh god, do I have to race a horse?

Coach, I can keep guessing all day but let's not waste my tim or yours so here's an idea: how about you just go ahead and tell me the name of this sport and all the rules and we can go straight to putting me in the game.

Just say the word and I'll be out on the playing arena giving everything I got to this game, whatever that happens to be. I'll give you my blood, my sweat, my tears, you sick-o. And whether you want it or not I'll even give you a lot of saliva because of my congenital "dog-mouth" disease. All I want is a chance, one opportunity to show everyone I've got the killer instincts of a champion who, I dunno, kills stuff, I guess.

Seriously coach, you could say any number of things and I would totally understand you want me in the game.Just yell out something like "Ryan! Get out there and win this game for us!" or "You the man Ryan! Do your thang!" or "Ryan, give these lunkheads a pony ride to pound city!" You don't even have to call me Ryan. If you want you can call me by a nickname, but if you do, make sure you clarify what it is beforehand. Actually, I'm not 100% certain what my real name is, It's either Ryan or Rind or Rogg. There is a good chance my name is Rogg.

In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter if we win or lose or if I don't know what game this is. All that matters is that you let me play, and really isn't that what sports are all about? Maybe? I was never entirely clear on the purpose of sports.