Smoker's Journey

Fall '16

By the time I pulled the cigarette out of my mouth, I knew it was too late. I was addicted. Before I could even tell my parents about my problem, they both died from grief. The rest of my family was so disgusted by my new addiction, they wore hazmat suits whenever they were within a 20 mile radius of me. I used to set a good example for my younger brother, but after he saw me smoking, he decided to become the most notorious assassin our town had ever seen.

Soon enough, I became a college lad. By this point, I had been smoking so long I was constantly discharging cigarette smoke from every orifice. I discharged so much smoke that whenever I walked into a dining hall, everyone would evacuate the building. On top of this, on one drunken night, I lost my virginity to a cigarette.

After college, I tried transitioning into the corporate world. I once got a job as a businessman at a Business Store. My first day, I shook my boss’s hand and coughed. He realized I was a smoker and fired me on the spot.

I became homeless, but kept smoking. My breath smelled so bad the government declared it a nuclear warzone. My teeth were so disgusting that my tongue became sentient, detached from my mouth, and slithered away. I bought cigarettes from a nearby bodega so frequently, the owner became a billionaire. Everything was going downhill. Then, I met Jill.

I knew Jill was the love of my life once I laid eyes on her. We fell in love, got married, and planned on living the rest of our lives together. But I was still addicted to smoking and Jill didn’t know. We had three beautiful baby boys together. Two of them had nipples on their feet, four of them had cigarettes for fingers, and one of them was just a baby’s head floating on a cloud of cigarette smoke. Once Jill discovered my secret, she divorced me and remarried a bag of clean air.

I died the next day. The doctor’s declared smoking as the cause of death even though I got hit by a bus.

Please, don’t let what happened to me happen to you.