Troubled Teen Writers

Fall '14


The Plague was commissioned to write the following spec script by the Society for Sustained Stereotypes & Cliches in Hollywood (S.S.S.C.H.)

Prof: So today we're going to be talking about Shakespeare.

Class: (groans)

Prof: Ok, ok, I know many of you are thinking "Damn, Shakespeare be hella boring!" and I get it, but if you give this stuff a chance, you might realize Shakespeare was actually pretty hella cool for his time. Now, if you would open your copies of Hamlet to page 63—

Troubled Teen: Shakespeare isn't cool. You know what's cool? Basketball and drugs. Getting mixed up with the wrong crowd, that kinda stuff.

Prof: (lowers glasses) You know what? You're right.

Whole class gasps.

Prof: That stuff is cool. But the thing is, Shakespeare was into that stuff too.

Teen: You for real, Mr. Campbell?

Prof: For the realest. Shakespeare had skills (imitates a crossover) and didn't respect authority (mimes shooting a gun) just like you underprivileged inner-city teens.

Everyone looks around at each other and fist bumps.

Prof: Shakespeare not be boring, but instead be ill.

Teen: That's sick, Mr. Campbell! Learning be tight! (Gets on the floor and breakdances)

Prof: Yep, and guess what? I am Shakespeare. (Rips off tweed jacket to reveal 16th century garb, rips off face to reveal the face of a 500-year-old man)

Prof: Peace Out!

Professor Campbell dies slowly and painfully.

Teen: (cries a single tear) From now on I will no longer be troubled but be good.